


you took all my secrets with you

by kayyyy31



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post Season 4 Finale, beyond excited for s5 so i wrote this, just 2k+ words of pure angst, loosely inspired by human diary by danielle bradbery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 16:02:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12112242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayyyy31/pseuds/kayyyy31
Summary: She knew that part of her was being overdramatic when she thought that; she had Kylie, Charles, Terry, her parents, even Captain Holt and Gina volunteered to stay with her and make sure that she is okay throughout this whole mess.  But as much as their offers mean the world to her (and they do, especially Holt’s) it’s not the same.  While she trusts them all with her life, she doesn’t trust them the way that she trusts Jake.  Jake’s guarded her secrets the same way he’s guarded her heart all these years; he’s taken no chances when it comes to keeping her safe, to keeping her secrets safe.





	you took all my secrets with you

As soon as the single six-letter word was spoken, Amy felt her world crashing around her.

She barely registered Gina’s hand on her shoulder giving her a comforting squeeze, she hardly heard the gasp that came from everyone surrounding her. 

The only thing she was sure of was that the love of her life was sentenced to 15 years in prison and the idea was enough to make her blood boil.

She tried so hard to put off going home; she begged her co-workers for just one more drink at Shaw’s, she called her parents, did anything she could to avoid going back to the apartment that screamed “Jake” in every single room.

Charles, who looked just as lost as Amy did, seemed to pick up her apprehensions and invited her back to her place, and Amy almost said yes. But watching Charles and Genevieve be a couple was the only thing that was less appealing than going back to their place alone.

It only took one step in past the front door for Amy to completely lose it. As soon as she heard the door close behind her, she threw herself against it, crumpled to her knees and cried as if every tear that fell would bring him back, as if every minute she let herself feel the pain would erase one that Jake would be stuck in jail.

She’s not sure how long it took, but eventually she pried herself off the floor and wandered around the apartment. It was such a foreign feeling, being an outsider in your own home, she thought.

Amy could physically feel her heart breaking as she picked his favorite hoodie up off the floor. She couldn’t count the times that he would come home from work, peel his hand from hers just long enough to change into the hoodie and a baggy pair of sweatpants before heading over to the couch with her for dinner and cuddles. There was nothing she wouldn’t give for another night like that. It might not be the most romantic night ever or the most exciting moments of her life, but as long as his hand was in hers and her head was home in his neck, Amy was perfectly happy.

The thing is, Jake knew everything about her before they were even dating. He knew all her secrets long before they were “Johnny and Dora,” long before they killed their captain, way before Amy had to learn to fall asleep alone while he was in Florida. 

Amy doesn’t quite remember when that shift from partners to friends occurred; she honestly can’t remember a time before he was her biggest confidant. She doesn’t remember how one day she didn’t trust him when they weren’t in the field and the next he knew her whole life story. She couldn’t recall when he was able to get all of her skeletons out of the closet when no one else could. She doesn’t distinctly remember that shift; all she knows is he knows everything about her, each and every of her darkest secrets, and now he’s in jail and she hardly knows who she is without him.

What Amy hated more than almost anything was that she was so dependent on him for her happiness. She never got like this with any other boyfriend- hell any other person in her life regardless of gender- and she hated how weak and vulnerable it made her. She missed him so much, but she missed herself almost just as much.

Jake wasn’t the only thing locked up in that prison. He took her heart, soul, and secrets with him. She could hardly remember a time when he wasn’t there for her, and more than that, she didn’t want to. He had weaved himself into every single aspect of her life and now that he was gone, every part of her life felt empty.

She hated the holes he left in her heart, but she didn’t resent him, and she hoped beyond anything else that he knew that. Amy knows him just as much as he knew her, she knew he hated himself for making her suffer. 

The morning after Dozerman’s funeral, Amy promised Jake that she was all in on their relationship; there was nothing that would make her that jumpy again. Amy kept her promise when Jake was sent to Witness-Protection, she stood by him when Teddy came back and professed his love for her, and she made sure he was okay when his dad came back and made life difficult again. She’s loved him throughout the most difficult times in their lives and she knew that she would love him for the rest of her life. And she really, really needed him to know that.

She promised him on that farm in Pennsylvania that she would fight for him no matter what, and she has every intention to keep that promise. In the morning, she would go a little heavier on her under-eye makeup to hide the bags that would inevitably triple in size during the night, try to hide that she hadn’t slept a wink, and work harder than she has ever worked to prove that Jake and Rosa were innocent.

But tonight, Amy let herself feel the pain, feel the loss, so deeply. She let her cry out the most primal and gut-wrenching cries, wallowing harder than she ever had in her life. What broke her heart even more than Jake not being there was knowing that if he wasn’t away (Amy couldn’t bring herself to even think the “p” word) he would know exactly what to say to calm her down. She couldn’t count all the times she had come home after a long day at the precinct to see that crease in his brow as he racked his brain for the right thing to say to talk her down off the ledge. And he always found the right thing to say. It was a gift of his, one that Amy had always appreciated and had never missed more than she did in this moment.

The apartment was so quiet without him and it made Amy’s stomach turnover uneasily. Ever since Jake moved in, there were a lot of adjectives that could be used to describe their place; warm, happy, full of love, home. Even when he was sleeping, Jake filled their home with noise and admiration for his girlfriend. He seemed to dote on her 24/7, whether they were at work, working a case, or sleeping; he was always there for her making sure she was taken care of. Not in a “I’m a man, you’re a woman let me do it, you helpless creature” kinda way, but in a “I love you and I care about you and I want to make your life better in every single way” kinda way. It was that soft look that “I know you’re capable of doing this meaningless task but I never want to see you struggle because you are perfect and I want to make your life as perfect as humanly possible” that made Amy’s heart stop and her eyes tear with adoration.

The clock on the wall tells Amy it’s only been five hours since she first heard the “g” word that made her world stop turning on its axis, but it may have well been a lifetime. It might be easier to handle if he wasn’t so ingrained in every aspect of her apartment, if his clothes weren’t scattered all over the floor of every room, if his posters weren’t hanging on the wall, if he didn’t leave a cloud of his cologne on his pillows. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel so lost in her own home.

After wandering around her living room for another hour or so, she slowly, bravely makes her way down the hall to the bedroom. Her breath catches in her throat and tears she didn’t know she had threaten to spill as she pushes the door open and strides into the room that feels emptier than it should. Biting back tears, she prayed that sleep would find her, that the events of the day would have exhausted her to the point that she would fall into a dreamless sleep.

Naturally, her prayers were unanswered as she rolled around in her tangled sheets an hour later, not even a little closer to falling asleep as she was when her head first hit the pillow. It bothered her just how much she needed Jake to fall asleep; it infuriated her that she needed him for such a basic task.

Jake, of course, knew this about her too because he knew everything about her. He knew that when she was really tired, she would pout her bottom lip and slump her shoulders. Jake knew that Amy really hated it when he would point this out to her, and doing so would result in a slap to the shoulder. He knew that she loved to be the big spoon as much as he loved being the little spoon, which they discovered that first night he stayed over. She remembers how his eyes lit up when she asked him to turn around, and how he whispered that they were a perfect match after he thought she was asleep. Jake quickly learned that right before sleep catches up to her, she gets super still, and her breath hitches.

Now, Jake was so far away in that cold cell and Amy didn’t have anyone to hold onto her secrets. She knew that part of her was being overdramatic when she thought that; she had Kylie, Charles, Terry, her parents, even Captain Holt and Gina volunteered to stay with her and make sure that she is okay throughout this whole mess. But as much as their offers mean the world to her (and they do, especially Holt’s) it’s not the same. While she trusts them all with her life, she doesn’t trust them the way that she trusts Jake. Jake’s guarded her secrets the same way he’s guarded her heart all these years; he’s taken no chances when it comes to keeping her safe, to keeping her secrets safe.

A quick glance at her phone shows that she has to be up in less than three hours, but Amy has never cared less in her life. The selfie she set as her lock screen is a literal and figurative light in the darkness. Literally, the soft glow of her iPhone breaks the darkness of her room, creating a dim shadow on the floor next her bed. But it also gives Amy the motivation to keep fighting. It would be so easy for Amy to roll over and wallow the next 15 years away. It would be so easy to cry until there’s nothing left but a numb, hollow feeling in her chest. But seeing his face on her 5.5x2.5 inch phone, knowing that the only place she’ll see his face is under the glass screen of her phone, makes her want to run down to the precinct and not go home until he can go home with her. 

It’s in those early hours of the night that she makes a promise to herself that she’s done wallowing. She refuses to pity herself anymore. She has to be strong for him and her detective work has to be even stronger. He’s innocent and she will spend every last day of the next 15 years to prove it if she has to. No more moping around, she promises herself. As of tomorrow morning, her mind has a single track; getting him and Rosa home.

The blast of her alarm breaks her out of her stupor and for once, Amy greets the start of a new day with excitement. She hasn’t been this eager to get to the precinct since her first day as a detective all those years ago. The situations couldn’t be more different, but the bubbles in her stomach and the blush on her face is still the same. 

She takes her time putting on her makeup to cover up the bags under her eyes that have grown infinitely over the past week, and gives her hair extra attention. She tells herself this is normal, getting dressed and putting on her makeup as if it were a normal morning. She tells herself it is just another morning, that Jake had to work early that morning as he had so many times in the past. She hums under her breath as she navigates the empty bathroom- something that could be considered a luxury, and tells herself that it’s all going to be okay. It has to be.

Her hand grazes upon his kiddie cereal, the one she told him would rot his teeth when he snuck it into their basket at the bodega last week, and she feels her heart skid to a halt. She had protested this purchase a million times with him, she had shook her head at the man-child who had somehow weaved his way into her heart and claimed it. She tried so hard to stop the tears as they fell, desperate to preserve the makeup she had painstakingly applied just minutes ago. 

Shoving half a bowl of cereal down her throat, she grabbed her keys and headed out the door to work. She knew the first day would be rough, but she couldn’t take the day off. She needed to keep her mind busy, otherwise she would completely fall apart. Amy knew him well enough to know that the only thing that would hurt him worse than being in jail would be to know that she was suffering. She refused to be the source of his pain; she had to be the bright spot in all the darkness for him the way he always was for her, they way he has been since the beginning of their partnership, long before they were them.

She missed him. It hadn’t even been a day and she missed him more than she’s ever missed another human. She missed how safe he made her feel, how he loved her so immensely, how he knew everything about her and his heart still chose hers. She didn’t just miss him, she missed part of herself.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed this!! come talk to me on tumblr at okayokaycoolcoolcool !


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